Time [wasted]

Every day is spent waiting. In the morning you wait for the bus, or you wait for a metro, or you wait in traffic, or you wait to cross the street. Then, you arrive at your location and sometimes you wait for an elevator, or you wait in line for a coffee. Sometimes you have to make a phone call in which you have to wait for the person to answer or, you have to wait on hold while listening to "elevator" music. In life, you are waiting for things to get better or waiting for something to start, or anticipating an end (which is really waiting) or waiting for that new job, new look, new lover, next paycheck to arrive.
People always say "live life to the fullest" or "enjoy every moment". I would like to know how. Have those people figured out their career goals? Have those people got jobs in which they are constantly satisfied with what they are doing every minute? And do they all have money? Are they able to "live life to fullest" because they can fly across the continent tomorrow and have a snazzy vacation?
I know it's probably one of those attitude things. Be positive in the moment and enjoy what's there, instead of worrying about what you're waiting for, where you're going, what you're going to do next or what's going to happen if you don't do this/that or the other thing.
I just think that the ability to live life to the fullest is for retired/or rich people. Who has the time really to just drop everything? Most people are too distracted with their day to day to "live" life. And of course we are, we work hard, we get paid little and there are thousands of stressful little events that keep us from enjoying what few years we have on the planet.
And imagine for instance, you've got a great job, you love going to work almost every day, the stress it brings is productive and healthy and the job resulted from 4-10 years in a post secondary institution. You are in the career world, doing what most people wish/are striving for. So, you've got the career and maybe you've got a partner and maybe you've got children but now, do you have any time? Do you have time to do all the things you would love to do?
Probably not.
It's never the right time. There's never enough money. There's always a reason not to.
I just find the world depressing. There are thousands of things to see and do and I'm jealous of every single person who gets to see some of it. It's all just slightly out of reach while we wait for the time when dreams come true.

Peer Pressure

As if the choices in life aren't hard enough, it's hard not to regard what other people are doing. Your life is supposed to be about you, and you aren't supposed to let what others 'do' or 'think' guide that. I don't know about the rest of ya'll, but I have such a hard time. I work for me and do for me, as long as i'm happy with me.. but when i'm not its all I can do to forget about what other people are doing or thinking. For example, for the past three years I have been working towards a diploma in a field that I thought was truly the only career choice for me. In my final year, I had to overcome some stressors and ended up realizing that it wasn't really for me. My entire group of friends were from this program and they continued to excel and continue on with it. They are all now attending a major university. My boyfriend is also included in this. I decided to take the year off and "figure things out" but the only thing I seem to figuring out is that i'm behind them and my future isn't looking as bright.
It's hard not to be hard on yourself and it's hard to pick yourself back up.
I would like to do something and get it over with, but I feel like colleges are the only place I could go and succeed but then I think of them with their great universities and I feel like I should be doing university. I feel like if I don't go to university, then I will be worth less then them. I won't be considered as smart, i'll be some simple program graduate who is too lazy to make more of themselves. I actually feel embaressed to admit to them that I'm even considering anything less.
I probably don't have to feel that way at all but I absolutely do and I just can't get past it.

With anything you do in life there is a decision to be made. No matter what it is, there is a choice that comes with it and of course, depending on your route, there are always different outcomes. Some people are notorious for bad decisions and others seem to always make the right choice but the rest of us are somewhere in between with a mixture of good and bad. As Baz Luhrman says, your choices are half chance and so are everybody elses. I've made a lot of immature choices in my life and some have had less than desirable outcomes, others have been pretty good and some are just bad, but despite the negative outcomes i've endured, I usually hold strong to the idea that "everything happens for a reason".
Sometimes the choice you make is not important, its something simple like what to eat, what shirt to wear etc... but sometimes the choices we make are much harder, much more important.
Everyone will always have an opinion about what you should do and in some cases it's hard to tell what you really want, or which way you should go.
Sometimes the choices are about relationships, sometimes you know in your heart what the right thing to do is but the consequences are too difficult to stand or you worry too much about the other person. An instructor once told me that you should let other people be responsible for their own feelings. I find this very difficult and therefore it usually interferes with my decision making despite what would benefit me the most.
Sometimes, especially in relationships, you start to feel a certain way but doubt why you're feeling that way and therefore, struggle with the choice that needs to be made. Being an emotional person makes you doubt yourself a lot. If you know you tend to over react and get upset about things easily, how do you know when you're feelings are valid? You can ask someone else, but how do they know? and depending on who you ask, you will usually get very different opinions.
They say "trust your gut" but my gut changes its mind constantly. It's so damn moody.
How am I supposed to know if its an actual emotion or if i'm just having an off day/week?
I'm not looking for an answer, i'm just frustrated with my results.

JC

ps. again the picture is just off google

Breeding bitterness

I live in an apartment under a woman who is 100 years old. Above her, my parents live in a lovely little apartment overlooking the going-ons of our neighbourhood. Our 'in between' neighbour has seen a lot in her life such a immigrating to Canada, both world wars, raising children and losing her husband. She has children, grand children and even great grand children. She even has a granddaughter who shares my first name and always tells me about her whenever I pass her door. This lady could likely be one of the most interesting people I've met in my life (mostly because she is the oldest woman I have ever met, but being a polish immigrant also adds some extra interest to the compilation of her life for me). Unfortunately, I will never know much about her except that she is alone, her children never visit her and she barely knows her grandchildren or their children. I, of course, have no idea why they never visit, or call or why she is left alone for most of her days. From what I can tell, it's because she is mean. But you can't help but wonder- was she always mean? or is she mean now because she's alone and isolated. In most of her conversations she tells you about people who have done her wrong, how her husband ("who was a wonderful man") made sure that her children blamed her for their lives and that her life is sad and lonely.
Our personal issues aside (she isn't a dog lover and loves to complain about any action any one partakes in), I feel sorry for her. Here she is at 100 years old and not a person to care enough to visit with her or take her out- ever. I have lived with her three years, and in those three years, she left the house only for her 100th birthday. After her birthday passed she was left to spend her days in bitter isolation once again.
She may have always been mean, maybe that's why her children don't bother with her, and maybe that's why she is so alone. It seems to me however, that isolating a mean person makes a worse person.
I am a friendly person, but coop me up for 3 days and you won't think so. Not everyone dwells on the bad things, but we all know that when happy moments are few, or when you've spent most of your life too busy to enjoy it, or you're left completely alone all of the time, that when you are no longer busy, all you have left is bitterness.
This has just made me realize that if you don't take time to maintain relationships, if you don't take time to be kind to others, if you don't take time to appreciate the good things then in the end, all you will be left with is resentment and anger.
I'm a social person, who loves to be out and about but since school has ended and my relationship has taken a lag, I find myself overly sensitive and easily angered. I think this is just proof of how easy it will be to get lost in anger in old age. I'm young, so I will most likely come out of my rut, regain relationships and carry on quite happily but it's easy to get caught up in injustices, the unfair and the ugly.
You don't have to be 'happy'. You just have to let yourself enjoy people, enjoy things and try not to focus too much on things that harbour negative emotions.
I can imagine that if at 100, I am completely alone, I will see no point in being kind to a world, or anyone in it that has done nothing but abandoned me in my most fragile state, for whatever the reason.
After having said all that, I am going to post my most favourite thing to listen to when I'm feeling down, unmotivated, unhappy and particularly bad about myself.

Baz Luhrman- Everybody wears sunscreen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

JC

The Bucket List

Have you seen the movie the Bucket List? It's wonderful. It's a wonderful movie. I'm about to watch it again, so while waiting i've decided to compile my own Bucket List. If you don't know what it is, it is a list of things one would like to do before they "kick the bucket".
Before I compile my list, i've decided to share where the expression "kick the bucket" came from. According to this website ( yes of course I googled it) which has credible sources it has two meanings, the bucket comes from the french word Buque which means a yoke or a similar piece of wood. The Buque refers to the piece of wood in which a pig would be hung from in order to be slaughtered. The pig would be suspended by its heels and struggle during the process and therefore kick the buque. Kick the bucket then began to signify to die.

Of course I don't think I am anywhere near kicking the buque but I am still going to make a list.

1. Visit Europe and the Mediterranean ( more specifically, GREECE!).
2. Find my dream apartment, live in it alone and spend 2 years living for only myself.
3. Own a silver convertible beetle.. or some colour anyway.
4. See New York
5. Travel across Canada

Those are the only things on my list so far, I don't really have any other great aspirations. Just you know, job, husband (maybe), kids.. that stuff... not really bucket list worthy though, since most people attain those things unless really not into marriage, children or contributing to society (for whatever reason).

Anyway, I think that's all for now.
JC

The search of something worth listening to..

I'm going through a stage where I am so bored of every single song in my iTunes. I've been listening to the same artists for practically 5 years now. Granted they are GREAT artists but I just need change.
I can't remember the last time I heard an artist, fell in love and needed their entire album (or at least most of it). I have a general taste in music but my preferred genre is usually pop or indie rock (as in pop rock, not pop, although I can enjoy a good pop tune). Lately I find that all the Indie Rock/ Pop Rock songs sound the exact same. Perhaps I'm just not finding the right bands with actual talent and originality but honestly, most of it is an insult to my ears. Yesterday I listened to a band featured on allmusic.com (if only I could find them again today), that were HORRIBLE. They were dry and their style sounded more like a child banging on pots and pans then anything... Creepy children with deep voices mind you, but the pots and pans were a definite. I know it's just my preference, but I don't consider banging and barking words enjoyable.
I like wit; I like a good beat or a pretty melody and some singable lyrics, and lyrics that make sense for the most part. I don't enjoy something that's going to give me a headache after two minutes. Nor do I enjoy lyrics that are just carelessly strewn together to appear catchy but actually just sound mundane and stupid. I really could care less about the mouse in your house.
I know what they say; if you don't like it, don't listen to it. Trust me, I won't twice. But I would still like to find an artist that doesn't involve those characteristics. I know there are many out there, but they've been around for years and I'm looking for something more fresh or that I haven't heard of yet.
Recently I stumbled upon a female artist named Adele. Now this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about, her music is beautiful and sweet and all around pleasant. But it's one artist, with one album and it really isn't going to replace the hole that I've just deleted into my iTunes library.
Where are all the talented artists who won't put me to sleep or drum off my head?
The search continues....

JC

Ps. That picture is someone elses. I'm not pretending to take credit for it, I just liked it.

Rain, rain go away...

I am a recent college drop out. You could say I decided to go with another direction or I prioritized the list of "important things" in my life and cut college out of the picture. Temporarily. Where does that leave me? Unemployed. Bored. Writing a blog.

It's a lot of work to be unemployed. You're constantly looking for jobs, going for interviews... hoping that this will be the one. I've been to more interviews in the last 3 weeks then I probably have in my entire life.
The thing about going to loads of interviews is that you get to see a lot of different people and places. I personally love people and places. I'm always curious about what the building looks like from the inside, how the office is set up and what the people are like in that area. One day I was walking down a street that looked like a modern day east-London in the 1800's and the next, I found myself on the busiest street in the city. I could probably dedicate a blog just to the different interviews I've gone to...

On the interview topic, interviews have really seemed to have taken a more laid back turn. When I was younger and applying for jobs, the questions were always so daunting. "Have you ever dealt with a crazed monkey?" ..."and what did you do?"... followed by a series of other situational questions designed to show how you react. As much as I hate those questions, I've always felt that they were valid and proved some use. But how times have changed (in a short period of time mind you). Nowadays, you walk into someone's office and they tell you all about their company and then ask if you have any questions (what questions could I possibly have left? are you done talking yet?). They have no idea what you did with that crazed monkey, or if you'd be willing to handle another in the future. Then, they send you away with a "we'll call you". What are these people basing their decision on? your ability to nod and whatever crap you squeezed into your ONE page CV? No wonder they don't call. They don't even know about my magic monkey tricks! or anything else remotely interesting...

Well, I think thats enough for now.

JC